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| So Christmas is here once again.
I
really don't like this time of year, but I also hate things like
valentines, easter...well, all of them. I just don't like them, so
overdone, it's another giant plague.
Let's just replace christmas with starbucksmas and be done with the charade shall we?
Humans don't really need any reason to be more selfish, or to spend money. Or to make themselves feel special.
But
really, let's get to the heart of the issue. The religious aspect. I
like that even less than the commercial side. But replacing one evil
with another, doesn't make a right as the saying goes.
Christmas serves as the scapegoat for the rest of the year. A reminder that you can, literally, get away with murder.
Set aside 364 days of prejudice, bigotry and such in this one day and seek ye redemption.
Let's
set aside the fact that God supposedly loves all His children equally,
yet only one is celebrated through the year continously.
The real question is, and the answer as well, is that Jesus is just better than you.
He lived without sin, you did not.
Logic tells as much, he's just better than you, me, that other guy.
He is a step above, the next generation.
But really, who decides this? God? What makes him think jesus is better than me. Or you. Or anyone.
Sure
he has claims to healing the sick, but let us not forget on this day of
days, all the injustices directly caused by his meddling.
The crusades just for one. By his actions thousands have died, killed, raped, sold into slavery.
I
mean, it's all there, the old testament. As true today as when it was
written. After all, God is unchanging. He is not prone to whimsy and
flights of fancy.
So what makes them better than us? If anything
they should be judged harsher than us. Can God abide by his own laws,
I think not. He has commanded the murder of others, rape, slavery.
He fails worse than any of us ever could.
"Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock." - Psalms 137:9 NAB
just as an example. It doesn't matter what christian faith you subscribe to, hebrew, christian, catholic, mormon.
It's all there. In all it's vileness...and yet we honor this man?
It's disgusting to me, I can not and will not abide with any such filth.
But maybe this is all the ravings of an angry and hateful man.
I am filled with self loathing these days as well.
And the reasons for it are as varied as can be.
Mostly...I
am tired of everything I carry with me, the echoes I have already
talked about. Sure, they can bring power, growth, effects that astound
and amaze once the echo has travelled as far as it can...But it is a
hard thing for me to.
I hate myself for not being as honest as I should be. For all the millions of things that I cannot say, or cannot even face.
Even
if I had someone to listen...could I say these things. I do not think
so, because I am scarred to it, this judging condemnation.
I tried to reveal a little, and it lead to hurt and confusion.
That seems to be the truth of life and people in general.
How far can you trust someone, we are naught but beasts once you strip the cover away. Our cover of social politeness.
The masks we wear to hide our true face.
The
global game of social deception. Trust is such a rarity, so fragile and
tiny. And once broken how can it be repaired. I find myself short of
trust, and easily filled with defensive disgust and distrust.
Misanthropia. I view others as disposable, horrible people, inferior.
Because somewhere in my mind, I need that. To lessen the hurt they so readily throw out.
After
all, if they are all idiots, what they say and do has no meaning. When
they call me sick, or twisted. What do they know, all idiots, blind
fools dancing to pulled strings. Repeating twisted dogma as a mantra
for their lives.
Do not, shalt not. I say, I shall!, I say, I will!
Perhaps, indeed, I am the ultimate perversion. The ultimate disgrace to God.
If such, I am still worthy of notice. I will not be regared with contempt and pity...rather disgust and fear than that.
At
least fear and disgust are valid emotions...not some veiled attempt at
conversion or pity. Better respected through fear than hated for
choices not your own.
All the secrets I hold, disgusting, twisted, horrible...
But that's just who I am, veiled, hidden.
Rather hated for the mask I wear than for what I really am.
So,
enjoy, everyone, enjoy this mask I wear for you. This false me that I
parade for your pleasure. Watch the lies and half-truths I weave in an
elaborate charade to hide myself, and let the game of life continue
another round.
Aluve',
-Veldrin. | | |
| I chose the heading because it rhymes quite well, rolls off the tongue if you will.
So let's see. What have I been up to?
Still swallowing my pills of internal, eternal, peace, happiness and tranquility. That's a surprise.
New news, I talk to my parents more often now. Especially my father, which is odd, it was never like that before. I was more in contact with my mother. Possibly, unknowingly at the time, because she was my mother. Genetically that is.
So I speak to my step father more now. About God of all things.
Now I know people will be surprised at that, am I still on this crusade? And yes, I am. Still here, still fighting.
I still believe in my heart, that if there is indeed a God, he is blind, stupid, cruel and quite probably horrible at his job.
I wonder if that could be malpractice. Well I will know more about that soon. Which I mention later.
So I talk, have weekly debates about religion with my parents and their church missionaries. Well, the missionaries stopped coming after I gave them a list of very hard to answer biblical paradoxes. Which again proves to me the insubstantial and easily fractured essence of belief and faith. It's true.
Most certainly faith and belief is true. For a given value of true. It's true for as long as you can keep your eyes closed, your mind bordered and your thoughts heavily regimented and suppressed.
Even my parents have to admit my views have merit and value. Unlike...some of the people I have known. Who discarded me as heretical and worthless. In need of forgiveness of all things.
But in such a way do they expose their greatest weakness, for it is said, if you do not kill me, I will kill you. If you kill me, you are forgiven.
As long as I am alive, my war, my crusade will not end. So, much like Lucifer himself, cast out for questioning God's cruel tastes for power and destruction, blind obedience and sordid devotion; I find myself on a similar plateau as the arch devil himself. I think I understand him.
After all, Lucifer may be a famous liar, but God is certainly a famous detractor. When God lies, it's not a lie. It's a test. When God kills, it is not murder, it is...what? Who knows. Culling? A mercy?
If I have the opportunity, assuming God exists, I cannot wait to join the "dark" side. Storm heavens gates, kill, maim, crush, destroy all the enemies in my path. But even better, would be making them fall. Making them see our side. So I do what I can in this world, with my own sphere of influence.
I even shook Atherine's foundations to their core! A small triumph, quickly lost, but I was still learning.
Still learning that one action, one word, one person can effect things throughout the world, a butterfly effect if you will. Some rich british man writes a book in the early 1900's and suddenly, thousands of people who haven't even read it are killed, because the people who have, didn't get the joke.
Subtle manipulations like this, can move the world. DO move the world, even now, as I write this.
And that brings me to my next choice. Giving up my pride for now (in part at least) I embark on this new quest. I am returning to school, finishing my education as I never had a chance to earlier.
Thanks to my..well, thanks to my condition, I even get the possibility of that paid for.
And then, and then, it's onto my law degree.
Australia will not long hold me. It's sphere of influence is far too small. America. That's where it lies. America is tied to almost every country, and those which it is not tied to, it will dominate through blatant intimidation, not-so-subtle threats, and pure force of arms.
Perfect for manipulation. A giant lumbering beast, barely aware of itself, let alone anyone else. Easy to guide, easy to control.
Imagine, how many lives such a case as O.J Simpson effected. Or the coffee mcdonalds case! Subtle, subtle effects. But so wide ranging.
Put pressure such as that, at the right time, the right place. And people of power, presidents, generals, ministers, governments and countries can fall. Empires have crumbled for such, as God's will.
So that is that. Onto my next point.
Genshiken. A good anime, too short though, but it might be harder to stretch out, the characters are very involved, easy to like, easy to relate to. At least for me anyway.
But there is one character, who doesn't like the rest of the group, and is always destroying and undermining any foundation and plan of the group. And then wonders why they don't like her?
I am surprised they didn't ditch her. Like other people I have known, they are so involved in their own fervor that they are ignorant that anyone, anyone at all, can be different. Enjoy things that seem strange, weird....or even sick to them. And like this female character in Genshiken, they destroy, they undermine, they blackmail, they lie. All to get this person out of this weirdness he likes.
No matter he didn't choose to be like this, it's how he is. But no, all she wants is her way, totally. Without reservation.
I think the effects of Atherine...have wounded me deep indeed. But betrayal always does. And even though I struck her a good blow, it's echoes reside inside me. She may dismiss them in her religious fervor. But I rather face reality. Accept it all. Even such minor actions as these...they have such wide echoes. That echo within me, within her, even if she does not realise it. She has been altered by the experience. And thus, do the echoes travel even further throughout the world as we carry them on to others, and others onto others.
An act of kindness is punished instead of accepted. Of such things is our world made.
Echoes.
10 cookies to anyone who can guess what I have been reading, and what I have been watching and what I have been playing to enlighten me in ways like this.
But those are my new news items.
I will try to keep updated more often. Oh. Yes, I forgot I lost the internet for a while. Money...is getting harder to get, work wise, there isnt as many hours going this time of the year for some reason. And...my budget is getting tighter and tighter.
I try to eat...maybe once every three days, to keep the majority of my strength up...Well, enough to stay conscious and have some energy. My will is what keeps me going most the time. It sustains me. My faith, my devotion, whatever you want to call it.
I want a PS3 with guitar hero on it. That would be fun. That can be my wish for christmas. Like all my wishes though, it will have to be fulfilled by me. Since I only have me.
P.S.
Since I am so horribly perverted...I am relieved somewhat that my kitten has found comfort away from me. I...sometimes feel that I am far too...horrible for her. And that I would only wound her, if I got involved with her.
I want to...quite badly. But...I fear myself. Sometimes I hurt others without knowing it, without thinking or intending to do so. I do not wish such for her.
She deserves better. And I hope she has that now. I truly do. If she does not, I will rise again, comfort her and carry her to wherever she wishes to go.
I should not hold desires above my station...yet they remain.
What a troubled, broken, creature I am.
Well, aluve' dear reader. If you made it this far, I can only assume I melted your mind to scrap with my rambling.
Congratulations for finishing...or even starting. Or even just for noticing.
This is Veldrin....Also known as Shadow Hump (for reasons you would not believe)...
Signing off.
| | |
| Ok so I finally got to listen to Nightwish's new albumn. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm late.
However I am have been dreading it. Truly.
I've been a fan of Nightwish since Angels Fall First. Not many people
who know Nightwish today can say that. I doubt many fans have even
heard it.
I know two people *cough**cough* who haven't.
Anyway, like I said, I've been dreading this new albumn. And the main
reason is Tarja leaving. The vocals certainly play a vital part in any
metal band, since they are predominant throughout the music (for the
most part).
Now Anette has a great voice, nothing against it there. But I feel a
slight disturbance in the music now that wasn't there since the early
tracks of Angels Fall First.
No doubt this is due to new members joining, it takes a while before
the band figures out each other and really start to get in synch with
each other.
I felt the same way when Iced Earth replaced Matt Barlow for the Glorious Burden albumn.
But there's something more, the music doesn't have the same "pow" as
before. This may just be me becoming jaded from the EXCELLENT releases
I've had lately.
Blind Guardian's "Twist in the Myth" and Kamelot's "Ghost Opera" have both excelled so far beyond what I could have hoped for.
And I just feel a little sad with the way Dark Passion Play turned out for Nightwish.
Now that being said, no Nightwish Albumn has hit me for a homerun on
the first listen. None. But they grow and grow on you, it's great like
that.
But again, I am not so sure on this albumn. I do miss Tarja's vocals.
She really brought a great amount of the "goth" element to the music.
And Anette doesn't seem to be able to do that, and slips into a more
"evanescence" style.
So I am debating going to see them when they tour here in Jan. One one
hand, I really want to show my support for the band. All the
instrumentals sound amazing as always. Marco's vocal track is pure rage
:) And he impresses me again with his range.
And of course, if I go there are two side benefits.
1. I get to style my new threads. Big time bonus.
2. I will most likely see the people I hate there. Now while that may
not appear to be a bonus, I always take delight in the humilation of my
enemies. Kicking them when they're down is the safest way.
And I mean....the guy thinks he is a werewolf for christ's sake. Insane a bit?
As for "her" well, I would still like to show my appreciation to her for trying to scam me.
So those are the benefits. Now the negatives.
Nightwish has exploded on the mainstream like a blitzkreig. And that
means, yup, posers, idiots, "teenies" and overall people who I would
rather were buried six foot under. My previously mentioned "friends"
should be piled in the mass grave and then set on fire. Nobody piss on
it to put it out.
And then the chance I might not enjoy it. That's the least of my worries. Meeting Marco, Empuu and Tuomas would be sweet.
So...not sure about that.
Plus I should be starting Law school next year sometime, so I might not have the time...
Oh busy, busy, busy.
Anyway, that's my impression of Dark Passion Play.
Overall, very much overshadowed by "Twist in the Myth" and "Ghost
Opera", Nightwish might make a comeback, have to see what the next
albumn turns out like. So far, not greatly impressed. But I don't hate
it, I just had very high expectations.
Well, aluve' for now dear reader | | |
| I wonder, do I have a fascination with alternate lifestyles?
I think I might.
Especially with the "darker" sides of things.
Goth, mysticism, satanism, D&s.
There's something about it all, that pulls at me. At the soul.
Even such things as anthro and furry, homosexuality (rather I should say bisexual).
Curiosity may explain away some parts, but I feel there is far more.
I have always regarded myself as extremely introspective, introverted. This poses a large problem, as there is only so far I can explore on my own. At least I am becoming more...accepting of my own desires.
I will not deny them or hide them.
I have been made to feel ashamed of who I am for far too long.
And then, naturally, we come back to the issue of "who I am".
What makes me who I am. Humans are what?
A bunch of dust, mostly water, and electronic impulses. Thoughts, soul, mind.
How can someone rationalize that what I feel, what I think, is not what I am?
Is not said, "...I think, therefor I am"?
Religion will come down to a soul argument. And sin, naturally.
Anything that is "sinful" does not make a man.
Anything that is a "virtue" does, in fact, make a man.
Patience, honor, charity. These all make up a person by God's own book.
So why is the "sinner" denied? What makes my lust less of a character definition than charity?
Simple. Because it is impure.
I wonder, how is it that christians (of most any denomination) are less accepting of people than most anyone else?
It is almost like a form of racism. Don't marry outside our church, don't fraternize with those outside the faith.
The book itself is naught but hundreds of pages of condemnation of those who are not the "faithful".
Message of peace and love? Hah.
Anyway, back onto topic.
What draws me to the strange, the unusual?
Everyone has one. A fetish for something in their life. Sexual or otherwise.
For me, I try and have a lot. I enjoy delving into these fetishes, discovering them, learning them. It's so...enticing, exciting. It's ecstasy when you find something, and you know, know, that it is for you.
It's so...vital, in a relationship. To know what pleases you, what pleases your partner. And yet, so many, so very many, hide their nature, disguise it; feeling ashamed and disgusting of themselves.
I know how easy it is to fall into that. With religions hateful view of anything remotely different from their "holy book". The stigma of society is no doubt due in part to religion. Religion still has a stranglehold on the minds of the general public, and though it is weakening, it is still there.
So it is certainly hard to embrace and realize your difference between those difficulties and those naturally occurring at the discovery of something new.
But this should not stop you, it's your life. It's up to you to discover yourself, or along with your partner. But do not, I beg, do not simply ignore these things.
No matter how odd, or how disturbed you are by thoughts or feelings on this matter, they are your thoughts, your feelings. They make up who you are. What degree of import they play only you can decide.
I am having idling thoughts of bisexuality, it seems to be only a small thing. But I will find out.
Years ago, so many years, when I first found out that anthropomorphism existed, I am was confused, worried, anxious all that. And now it has become something integral to me.
Still have trouble talking about it to people, it is definitely one of the more...odd, fetishes out there. And I have never met another (knowingly). though if they feel as anxious as I, I can understand why they keep it under guard.
And it's amazing, how so many fetishes link up in a giant chain. It's like playing a raunchy game of "trace your family tree" with fetishes.
My hypnosis fetish was probably my first obvious one, the one I found first. That linked into my submissive one, which lead into so many other branches. Bondage, humilation, D&s.
And I am still exploring to this day.
How can you face your lover and partner honestly not knowing about yourself?
I take a great pleasure in pleasing my partner, and I know many others do too. Why deprive them of the knowledge on how to do so? It hurts them, you and the relationship.
You may be frightened, I am, and always have been. But I am making progress, and lately I have been revealing a little more each time. And each time has been more rewarding than the last. Now if only I could pick the right people =P
I wonder if this has been more upbeat than my usual posts? Trust me, I am not upbeat. You can be broody and intellectual at the same time. In fact, they should be mixed as often as possible.
I went out with a girl that had a slight bestiality fetish, surprising and mixed amazingly well with my furry one. Just goes to show you, no matter how odd you think it is. There IS someone for you.
Seek and ye shall find.
| | |
| Why do we long for someone to love?
What is it about love that makes fools of us all? What in it flips the switch between sensible and insane?
There is only one who I actually loved because...I wanted to. Kalasin. Marie.
I still have our communications, I didn't even realize. I hate how I forget things in an effort to repress memories.
In case I can't tell, I am being introspective.
So then we come to this question. Is love physically based?
People will say no, it's what's inside that counts. But this defies itself. Otherwise, nearly everyone could be gay.
So there must be physical attraction there.
And yet, even saying that, I think that love does flip the switch inside us. Makes us do that which normally we would not consider. I am living proof.
Dating a christian? What was I thinking. Though the christianity was not the problem, or maybe it was, depending on your view. The inflexability that exists in close-minded, obsessive and "hardcore" religious followers. That is what causes problems for me.
So in my review of my love life. I wonder, am I closing myself off to possibilities?
This thoery was founded as I spoke to someone on WoW.
It was like looking in a mirror.
He's a furry, witty, sarcastic, funny and well, gay.
At first he thought I was gay, and I responded that I wasn't, but wished I was. Probably meaning that as a joke, since I am so tired of women.
But it sparked all this thought inside me.
When he asked when I was moving in with him...Well I am not sure.
And I've read up on BMB again, some extra stuff added since I last saw. Such a shame it's gone now.
In a very confused state right now.
Moving right along.
Life is still hell. But things are moving.
So, I have been switched between therapists, doctors and even had a small visit to a hospital (Against my will).
I still cut and bleed freely.
And have taken an interest in the occurance known as "Internet Suicide" apparently groups exist that commit suicide together. That would make it easier certainly.
Still haven't found one though.
Well anime, let's see. Bleach, Naruto, One Piece, all still going strong.
Akagi was intresting, and an anime about Mahjong (traditional style) is almost a novelty.
Welcome to the NHK was simply...brilliant. Probably my favorite at the moment.
Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, is rather good. Made me chuckle and laugh a lot.
Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan, another good comedy.
Moving on again, always moving. *sigh*
I might be studying law at university soon. Though I doubt it, there's no way someone like me would ever get accepted. But I have to try apparently. Stupid friggin therapists.
Oh yes, how could I forget.
I turned my back on more old friends. Though, as it turns out, they were not friends.
Merely people using me, as a tool to aggrevate the other. How pathetic I have become, to be used in such a way, by such as them!
I take small satisfaction in that they fear me. However this does not stop their stupidity.
Apparently they recently wanted me to give them hundreds of dollars due to a pregnancy I caused. A very fragile lie that I easily smashed apart.
That is only a tiny, tiny fragment of what they do. Spreading their lies about me, viscous rumors.
So I simply turned my back on them. And I know that was the right thing to do. I am sick of being a play toy to the idiots of this world.
So, in short, my life has gotten very interesting lately. But not the good way.
Too much to think of, not enough time to think on it all.
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